This post is *that* post....

[tabaqui]

This doesn't happen often here, i know, 'cause i tend to be oblivious to most LJ wank, kerfuffles and explosions. But i happened to step right into this one, so i felt like i should speak up.



Yes, thenyxie is on my flist. Yes, i saw her first post about all this and posted a comment in support of her. My impression from her post was 'anonymous people in this anonymous hate meme are slandering me/my SO! Wincon has banned me over it!!'

Which seemed monstrously unfair and hinky and *weird*. And i said, in essence - 'i sure as hell hope the Wincon people have some kind of proof besides anonymous gossip! And they better pony up!'

Now, yes, that reads *very poorly*. My bad. I did not, do not, and will not ever advocate the 'outing' of people who have been assaulted or attacked. Unless you're sitting in a witness box in a court of law, you are not obliged to stand on a street corner and shout to the world that you have been attacked. I really envisioned and hoped that the Wincon people and Nyxie would privately get together online and explain the situation without revealing the names of anyone who didn't feel okay being public. If you're accused of something, you *do* have the right to the details of the accusations, though not a list of names so you can 'sue' anyone, or sic lawyers on them.

I now know many more details, and am...not happy at all with how this was presented, or how it played out. I will not delete my comments, because they're mine and i own them, but i did want to make clear my 'stance', for lack of a better word.

I'll talk about this, if you think it needs more talking. Myself, i don't want people driven off LJ with flaming torches and pitchforks, any more than i want them driven away from a convention because they're afraid of what might happen.

What i want is for people - myself included - to stop and think before they talk, and make sure they have all the facts first. I know i should have.

Comments

[janedavitt.livejournal.com]

::hugs:: Done that myself in the past more than once; spoken up with an almost automatic, unthinking support and then realized I hadn't seen the big picture and...yeah.

[tabaqui]

Yeah. I mean - i defend my friends! It's what i do! But sometimes, i need to *think* first.

*hugs back*

[sweptawaybayou.livejournal.com]

*squish*

been there. done that. more than once, unfortunately.

the only good thing? i found out who my *real* friends will always be.

do. not. get. involved.

... unless it's your bff. then, all bets are off.

xoxooxoxoooxox

[tabaqui]

THIS. So this.
*smooches you*

[julia-here.livejournal.com]

As soon as I saw the comments, I knew you'd make this post, and probably sooner than later. Because you're smart, empathetic, and honest, and capable of reflection.

So we all should be.

Julia, good for you.

[tabaqui]

Aw, thank you. I like to think i learn from my mistakes.
:)

[andreth47.livejournal.com]

You're a rock star, bb.

[tabaqui]

I calls 'em like i sees 'em. :)

[onelittlesleep.livejournal.com]

Can I just state for a fact, because it needs to be clear, that the Wincon people DID NOT publicize any of this and that thenyxie is completely responsible for ALL of the public spectacle that ensued after the banning. From what I know, the wincon people were perfectly willing to hear her out and talk this all through with her through email, and that she basically tossed discretion by posting her first rant.

I think it's VERY IMPORTANT to point out that the wincon people have acted only professionally on this matter and have let their policy speak for itself, without saying anything else about thenyxie and the subject of Wincon '08.

[tabaqui]

OH yes. Wincon was very professional, calm, and to the point. They totally handled it the way they should have. No black marks for them at all, from what i've read.

[marciaelena.livejournal.com]

((((((HUGS))))))

That happens to everyone, hon. The important thing is to realize we made a mistake, and yes, to own up to it.

I love you and admire you for the amazing person that you are, and I don't see that ever changing.

[tabaqui]

Yup - pretending it didn't happen or trying to twist it around to 'but, no, wait!!' just ain't gonna cut it.

*smooch*

[brihana25.livejournal.com]

You don't know me from Adam, I'm sure, but I've always had a ton of respect for you. I had a feeling at the time that this is what had happened, and I don't think anyone can or should fault you for it.

And for what it's worth, the respect I have for you has increased tremendously.

[tabaqui]

Hey, thank you, i really appreciate that. I'm not comfortable with being wrong, heh, but i'm *really* not comfortable with being wrong in a way that fucks other people up.

I appreciate you making this comment - thanks. :)

[lostakasha.livejournal.com]

Hey, the first impulse of most friends is to jump in and defend them. What kind of bud would you be if you didn't?

You are very classy, m'dear. Brava.

[tabaqui]

Yup - it's what you *do* for your friends. And i'd hate to be a person who didn't at least have the impulse. Just gotta let the follow-through time get a little longer until i know for *sure*.
:)

Thanks, bb.

[mimblexwimble.livejournal.com]

People like you are amazing. I respect you so much for this post.

[tabaqui]

Thank you! *Not* making this post would have made me feel very ucky.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

Dude. This took some balls. Way to go, Tabaqui.

[tabaqui]

Heh, thanks. I don't *like* being wrong, but i'm not gonna pretend i *can't* be.

[minim_calibre]

You've got guts and class, honey.

[tabaqui]

Thanks, bb. :)

[ruthless1.livejournal.com]

I said it once and I'll say it again - it's good to see you here. I am a megalurker and I didn't want to ever have to stop lurking in your journal. You are brave. And classy and a great defender of your friends. If I hadn't already known what was going on - I probably would have jumped in too.

[tabaqui]

I've seen that user name once or twice! :)

Yeah, i will always want to defend my friends. Just gotta jump a little *slower*.

[innie_darling]

I'm happy to know you.

[tabaqui]

Thank you. :)

[menomegirl.livejournal.com]

Done that myself more than a few times.

(((hugs)))

[tabaqui]

It happens!
*smooch*

[sistabro]

you don't know me from, well, any other random person in this crazy crazy fandom. But total props for being classy and brave and you know, human, and saying yes, I made a mistake and I am sorry and I will own it and try to learn from it. *applauds*

[tabaqui]

Thankee, thankee. I try my best.

[too-rational.livejournal.com]

*hugs* You did good, darling. You spoke too soon and without knowing all the facts, but it was done in defense of a friend (something that I, myself, would probably do reflexively, if I wasn't so obsessively 'know all the facts/big picture before you even think of opening your mouth'; which, in turn, ends up with me not talking about some things at all, or not reacting when I should; but that's a whole 'nother issue); and more, once you got all the information that were available, you posted this.

I have even more respect for you now, for being brave and fair and willing to say 'my bad'. Stuff like this really reveal peoples' characters, and yours is very shiny. ♥

(Do you want virtual cookies or virtual candy? You get to CHOOSE. =D)

[tabaqui]

I appreciate that. I don't *like* being wrong, that's for sure, but i'll be damned if i won't stand up and admit it, 'cause doing anything else just...doesn't work for me.

Caaaaaaaandy! :)

[piratepurple.livejournal.com]

I have no idea what's going on here. But I just wanted to say that owning up to being too quick to defend someone in no way decreases your awesomeness.

Just in case you were wondering.

*smooch*

[tabaqui]

It's a mess, bb, and you're better off not knowing.
But thank you.
:)
*hugs*

[maychorian.livejournal.com]

♥ I don't blame you at all for what went down. She set herself up as the victim from the start, and if you didn't the facts, of course you believed your friend. I'm sorry this has situation has caused so much pain for so many people.

[tabaqui]

Me too! Frustrating and a little depressing. I hope things will settle sooner rather than later.

[darkhavens.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs}}}

You are shiny. *smooch*

[tabaqui]

*twirls you*
Thankee!!
*smooch*

[entrenous88.livejournal.com]

This is a tough kind of post to make. I'm so glad you made it. <3

[tabaqui]

Thank you!
:)

[july-july-july.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for this post. I know a lot of people hit the post comment button before really giving it a good think. And it's natural to jump to your friend's defense.

I think it's great that you're admitting a mistake, and that your friend was in the wrong. And I think it's admirable that you're not going to delete your former comments. Owning shit is FTW.

In conclusion: proud to have you on my flist.

[tabaqui]

Yeah, it's hard to *not* defend someone you consider a friend when it seems like wow, they're really being screwed over.

But thinking first is best! Heh.

Thanks for your comment - i appreciate it.

[noirbabalon.livejournal.com]

From a long time lurker...both positions take courage; the first to step up and put yourself in the line of fire and the second, a more personal, introspective, moral courage. To admit being wrong is not something we do easily. Props to you for the doing the hard thing well. {{HUG}}

[tabaqui]

Thanks for speaking up! I don't enjoy being wrong, but hey - there's no point in pretending i *can't* be, you know?
*hugs back*

[girlguidejones.livejournal.com]

I read your first post -with shock, frankly- and read another one or two from you afterwards, while I fervently hoped that you would back away from that stance. Not, I hope you will believe, because I am on the concom, but because the idea of us exposing the identity of the victims in order to produce proof was so appalling and I was upset that people seemed to be expecting us to do that.

When I didn't see that reversal from you, I defriended you. I found this post on friendsfriends, and I see now that I should have waited, should have had more faith in you, someone I have always known as honorable, and more patience to let you find your own way and in your own time and rather than expect it to be on my schedule. I hope you will forgive me for being hasty in my judgement of you, and I sincerely hope you will welcome me back to your flist.

[tabaqui]

Well, like i said, i had *no clue*. I wasn't on Nyxie's flist in 2008, don't actually remember anyone talking about Wincon then - not like i remember anything particularly from 2008 unless i'm prompted - and didn't have any clue where to look for 'anon hate meme' in, sadly, a *sea* of them.

So, i'm glad someone pointed out the link to me, so i could get all the info. And i'm quite pleased that you clicked and came on over - i appreciate that you were willing to give me the benefit of the doubt!

Welcome back! :)

[electricalgwen.livejournal.com]

I respect you tremendously for making this post.

[tabaqui]

Thank you!

[texanfan.livejournal.com]

All you are guilty of is believing someone who was your friend and supporting them. My first instinct certainly wouldn't have been to check out their story.

I'm very sad that this kerfluffle has hurt so many of my lj friends.

[tabaqui]

Yeah, it's amazingly sucky, isn't it?

And i'm not sorry that my fist instinct is to defend a friend. I won't ever apologize or feel bad for that. But.

Thought before action, in all things. Let these be my watchwords! :)