So hi! And a request for Supernatural readers.....

[tabaqui]

Another update, wow!
:) So, sweptawaybayou and I were talking about writing, and about how both of us are kind of struggling with that right now. Having stress, having poor motivation, having blocks. She was telling me that her reading fluffy and fun Steve/Bucky fic was motivating her to write (yay! Snow-fic!), and I was telling her that re-watching (and reading) The Expanse was motivating me to write finish the J2 Space AU.

And I just rewatched episode 7 of season 2, and

And the moment when Miller finds Julie, and she's so scared, and so lost - she doesn't know where she is, she was abandoned, she *died*, in a way, she just wants to go home.... And he's talking her down, and reassuring her, and he takes off his vac-suit and he holds her hand, and kisses it, and.....

Fuck, it's so fucking gorgeous, and it hurts my heart like nothing else. Makes me cry, and sitting here writing about it, I'm crying again. Fucking Miller, gods, I love him, and Julie, Julie, you tried so hard, you were so fucking brave.....

I want to be able to put that into my writing, that absolute *hammerblow* of emotion, of pathos, of love and courage and empathy....
*sniffles*

Anyway - yeah. So that makes me get back to serious Space AU work.


My request! I wrote two fic, waaaaaaaaaay back in the day.
Day in the Life. Pre-series, gen, PG. The boys being brothers, John being a father, and the origin of Rumsfeld the dog.

Brightness Falls From the Air. Gen, PG-13, immediate post-season-1 ficlet. At the moment of impact, just one moment from their past is bright and clear....

Apparently, I posted them *only* to Supernaturalfic, the community, over on LJ. It has since moved (Supernaturalfic at Dreamwidth), and the comm at LJ was purged.

I do not have a *single copy* of these fics on my HD, on any g.doc, on anything, anywhere.
And they did *not* survive the move, I do not know why. Waybackmachine is also a bust.

Anybody have copies of these two fic? Or know where they might have been archived besides the comm? I would give about anything for copies.

THANK YOU! :D

ETA: HOMG you guys. yourlibrarian found both fic in like - ten seconds. HOLY CRAP. The reason I (think) i couldn't find them is in comments. DAMN. *twirls* I am so happy! Wheee!!

Brightness Falls From the Air.
Day In the Life.

Comments

[lunabee34]

You've done it before a million times, Tabi. That hammer blow to the heart. You've done it to me, over and over again, reading your Spander.

It's like riding a bike. You've done it before. You'll do it again. I know it.

[tabaqui]

*smishes you*
Thank you, bb. :)

[lunabee34]

No, thank you. Seriously. Your fic was among the first I found, and it blew my mind and made me cry and laugh and see all these possibilities I hadn't before, and it started me on what has been an absolute joy of the last 13 years.

If you never wrote a thing again (which of course is not going to happen, but), you'd have made an impact on more people with your writing than most people.

[tabaqui]

Damn, bb.
*sniffles*

I am so frustrated with myself right now, and with my seeming inability to write more than about 100 words every week or so. This fic has been plodding on for *so long*, and I want to finish it so badly, to the point of starting to *hate* it....

But I still love it. I'm just so....

Your words really, really mean so very much. I have loved being in fandom, and finding all of *you* - my fellow lovers of other worlds, my fellow writers. I've found in my flist, in people like you, other beings who 'dream awake', who live for that moment when the story unfolds in the mind, who see other worlds and want to share them *so badly*.....

So thank you so much, this just...really makes my whole fucking...month.
*hugs*

[lunabee34]

Oh, honey. I get it. I really do.

I haven't posted about it here, but one of the things I'm really struggling with lately is figuring out how to balance my academic writing with my creative writing. I'm doing so much of the former and none of the latter, and I can't figure out how to fit in the latter right now, and it sucks. I want to be writing creatively, I'm just failing to do so.

I'm so glad I could say something to let you know how much your writing means and how much it is valued. Fandom changed my life. It opened up all these doors for me. It has been so validating for me. I'm so glad to be here. I can't tell you how shocked I was when so many of the writers I'd been idolizing silently, you included LOL, wanted to talk to me and read my fic and comment on my posts about shit in my life. It's meant the world to me.

[tabaqui]

Oh, man. I think that would be so very difficult, to switch between the 'fic' brain and the 'professional/academic' brain. WOW. Maybe, unless your academic stuff is super-deadline type writing, you can just say 'Friday evening is fic time, fic only', something like that? I dunno.

As you know - I totally get your frustration. Snow is the same, except for her its mostly stress from work and such, makes is so hard for her to get into the right mindset, wears her out. All of us, i think - or, a lot of us - as we get a little older, are finding the juggling of both worlds a little harder.

And i get especially fed up with myself, because my daughter is 21, she doesn't need me 24/7, and i'm divorced now (and happier for it), and i don't have all that stress and nonsense on me...and i *still* can't seem to cudgel my brain into writing, even when all i can do is think about it constantly.

YES. Fandom showed me that *there are other people out there like me*, who want to write, love to write, love to talk about writing and love to read writing and just.... Want to be in that world, and that it's not weird or stupid or a waste of time. It was so fucking *amazing* to find writers out there like you, and Snow, and Roxy, and everyone else, with all this *talent* and all these thoughts and ideas and desire to talk and talk and talk about it.

Pretty much one of the most wonderful things i have ever, and i think *will* ever, be a part of.

[lunabee34]

It's not even so much a function of switching for me as a time function. I've got a full time job, two kids (one of whom is five), plus my academic work/research and exercising. I genuinely don't have time for creative writing. It just sucks. I'm not getting up earlier than the 6 I usually get up at. I really can't stay up later than I do. Evenings are spent hanging out with y older kid. Finding the time just blows.

I didn't realize you'd gotten a divorce. *hugs* That's really hard. I'm glad you're doing well.

[tabaqui]

Oh, yeah, that is so *very* frustrating. My sympathies.

Yeah, in 2015. Not something I talk about a lot, but it took a lot of stress and unhappiness out of my life (irreconcilable differences). He's getting remarried in October, but we still talk every day, so no rancor.

I'm just much happier being on my own, so much less *on edge*, and that makes it even more frustrating that I still can't settle down and friggin' write!

[lunabee34]

I'm so glad things are better for you now and that there's no rancor. That's a hard thing to pull off.

[tabaqui]

Thanks, bb.

Well, we met in high school. We were married for almost 31 years. I mean - I *know* him, better than anyone else, and he knows me, and...well, we love each other. Just -can't live together anymore.

He's happy with his girlfriend, i am happy alone. I guess we both are just...too used to each other to get all worked up over it.

[lunabee34]

I'm glad that your relationship with each other isn't over even if your marriage is.

*hugs*

[yourlibrarian]

I didn't see one called Day in the Life but isn't this one of them?
https://supernaturalfic.dreamwidth.org/650386.html

Correction, is this it? https://supernaturalfic.dreamwidth.org/1123696.html

[tabaqui]

OMFG
You found both of them. HOLY FUCK.

And now i know why: neither of them are under my 'tabaqui' tag. And since i didn't put them up at my LJ, they're not tagged their, either, and I didn't know exactly *when* i posted them.

YOU ARE SO AWESOME HOLY FUCK I LOVE YOU.
*cough*

:)

[yourlibrarian]

Yay!

I figured it was some kind of tagging failure or you would have come across them. I looked for your author tag too but I couldn't seem to make it come up. I'm not sure why because it seems that both posts are tagged that way, but I kept jumping back in what I assumed was alphabetical order but didn't find any of your entries.

And yeah, without being sure when the posts were made that would have made for a lot of scrolling in the archive. You can see all post titles by month (but this community's been open a long time, wow, impressive). Though if you were sure it was in the first few years of the show that would have gone a lot quicker. I wasn't clear if that's what you meant about the fics though since a S1 fic could well have been written 10 years later!

One of the pluses on DW though is that we actually have a site-centered search function and there was one enabled at the community here which made things way easier. I've relied on it a lot over the years.

And yay for Expanse love! I've been enjoying each season of it more.

[tabaqui]

I just now went and added my author tag to them (and saw the number jump from 51 to 53), and am now posting both fic on my LJ/DW in backdated posts.

I didn't even *mention* them in my journal, at all, and when i looked at the fic i posted around the same time, and looked at the DW comm entries then, i still didn't see them.

They were the very first things I posted at the comm, and i think maybe the tag system wasn't in place yet? I dunno. Tags is so easy and handy, but back then it was all memories, memories, memories (and when i think now of how awkward and infuriating memories was to use...oy vey).

I spent about a week trying to find those fic, and even contacted moderators-who-don't-moderate anymore, and basically made myself crazy.

And yeah - that comm's been around since season one, which is awesome, and i'm so glad they moved it over to DW and did *not* just purge it and trash all the fic there.

Thanks again - you are so awesome. I was getting so frustrated! And to not have copies of them anywhere - wth was i thinking?

[fufaraw]

I'm so glad you found your fics! Selfishly, because now I get to read them.

I have loved your fic for a long time. It has a point of view that is all your own, and also your unique voice, and I have come to depend on both those things being part of *my* experience of fandom. So, selfishly, yes.

Having just posted a fic that took me more than three years to write, I at least partially understand hating a WIP while loving it enough to not be able to give up on it. And also, having rediscovered an old snippet I'd all but forgotten about, I get that feeling of "...not that bad. In fact, pretty darn good--now where was I going with this?"

Just...keep writing. Fandom would be dimmer and less interesting without your work.

[tabaqui]

Hee!
Thank you thank you.

Awww...thank you so much! I really appreciate that. If you've read the other comments to this post, you'll see i'm kind of in a writing...slump, at the moment.

HA, yes, Space AU is clocking in at FOUR FRIGGIN' YEARS and yes - i love it, i hate it, i want to *finish it*.

*hugs*
I hope to never ever stop writing, no matter what. Your comments definitely give me motivation. Thank you, bb!

And congratulations on finishing your WIP!