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Hello!
I know it's been a while since i updated this - so sorry!
But, here's a little bit, and i'll be posting a little more soon. I just wanted to get this out.
And i voted, and there were lots of young, college-types there, and a line but not TOO big a line, and now i'm avoiding the tv.
:)
Enjoy!
All previous parts are in my memories.
"So I've decided that - that what I'm going to do is go back with Sspike. Ride back with him. Instead of you guys." Xander could feel his fingernails digging so hard into his knees he wondered if they'd actually gone through the denim. He braced himself and waited, watching his news percolate through their brains. Giles - got it. Buffy was - almost there - ding!
"Xander - are you seriously saying that you want to stay down here and ride in that deathtrap for days with Spike?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm seriously saying, Buff. I just -"
"And Spike is letting you," Giles interrupted, and Xander blinked and wet his lips.
"Well, yeah, he - he's fine with it. I can drive during the day like I did coming down here and -"
"Xander. You do know Willow's waiting for you? I don't get it. Spike can get home just fine - or stay here - Glory's gone, it's not like we need him anymore -"
"Buffy!" Dawn looked furious and Buffy looked over at her impatiently.
"What? We don't actually need him. It's not like I was all - helpless and stuff before he got himself fixed!" Xander wanted to slap Buffy for that - was glad that Spike was already gone for the night and couldn't hear her. And his stomach hurt. Literally hurt, because this...was worse than the yelling he'd expected.
"Besides, Xander hates Spike. Why would he want to spend any more time with him?" Buffy turned a sudden gimlet-eyed look on him, frowning. "Is he blackmailing you? Did you - do something or - or is he holding something over your head -?"
"Buffy! Jesus!" Xander shot to his feet, pacing away from them, pushing his hands back through his hair in frustration. God What Buffy was saying was suddenly making him feel like he was a kid - like he was too stupid to realize just what he was doing. "What in hell could he be blackmailing me over? Do you think I've done something - something bad or something? I mean -"
"No, Xander, calm down." Giles sat forward on the couch, absently rubbing his forehead. "We know you didn't do anything...uh...illegal or - or bad, but - you've been alone for some months and probably - very lonely and -"
"I haven't been alone, Dawn's been here and Spike's been here -"
"And we're friends -" Dawn added, but Buffy shushed her.
"Fine, fine, you're all buddy-buddy. Which is really kinda weird." Buffy sighed and shook her head - looked at her watch. "It's late, and the plane leaves early. I dunno why you want to hang out with Spike but - fine - do it." She made a sort of throwing-away gesture with her hands. "Dawn's got school again in a couple of weeks, and I'm going back to school too, so..."
"So what you're doing is more important, yeah," Xander said, shrugging, and Buffy looked pissed off for a moment.
"Well if you were coming back with us, you could do something - important too! But you wanna stay down here, so - fine. I'm going to go get cleaned up and go to bed. C'mon Dawn, let's go pack those shirts we bought." Buffy stood up, impatient, and Dawn rose more slowly, biting her lip. Oh, so much worse than yelling, 'cause Buffy...just didn't care.
"Are you - sure you... I mean, I'm gonna miss you, Xander. Why can't we get Spike a ticket?" Dawn turned to Giles, a pleading look on her face, but Xander interrupted the older man before he could answer.
"Spike doesn't want to leave his car down here, Dawn. You know that. We won't be long behind - I'll bring you a souvenir from every state we drive through, okay?"
Dawn sighed, but then she smiled a little at Xander, looking tired. "Yeah, okay. I just... Okay." She started to follow Buffy out of the room and then darted back to hug Xander hard. "I'll miss you, is all," she whispered, and Xander hugged her back.
"Miss you too, Dawnie. G'night."
"'Night, Xander. 'Night, Giles."
"Yes, yes, goodnight, Dawn." Giles rose as well and went into the kitchen - retrieved Spike's bottle from the cupboard and poured himself a drink. He leaned there against the counter and Xander leaned opposite, watching him. "You know, Xander... When I was younger, I did - a lot of foolish things. Ethan Rayne comes to mind and Eyghon..." Giles took another sip, his eyes on some middle distance. "These things - made for trouble, in the end. They made me wish quite desperately that I'd done otherwise." Giles looked straight at Xander, his eyes mild and calm but something there - some spark of something that Xander felt might burn him to a cinder if he wasn't careful.
"Giles..." Xander stopped, and considered everything. Considered the feeling of Spike curling up behind him in the bed, just wanting skin-on-skin, just wanting him there. Considered what Spike had been doing, these past three months. What he had been doing. Considered how he'd felt only a week ago - and how he felt now. "I'm not doing anything I'll regret, Giles. I promise." He looked back at the older man with, he hoped, the same mild gaze and Giles finished his drink - set his glass in the sink and slid his glasses off, tucking them into his shirt. He stood there for a moment, and then he shook his head ever so slightly.
"Well. Goodnight then, Xander," he said, and turned and walked out of the kitchen. And his tone - his look - was so disappointed, so dismissive - Xander felt a rush of panic. Felt that he'd just lost - whatever he might have had with Giles. Whatever friendship they might have been growing between them.
"Giles -" Xander said, but too soft. Giles was gone. For a moment Xander wanted him back. Wanted to tell him everything that had happened - wanted to confess how he felt and what he'd done - wanted to tell him everything about Spike. About him and Spike. *If there even is such a thing...* But - he didn't. He listened to Giles going into the bedroom - listened to Buffy and Dawn in the bathroom and then to Giles in the bathroom - listened to them settling and the house becoming silent. He could never tell Giles about what Spike had done - was doing. About the blood-house, or the chip - any of it. And he didn't want to tell Giles about Spike...about kissing him, or holding him, or just...talking with him. That was his, his own secret, his own little bit of warmth against the coldly dismissive Watcher and against Buffy's total lack of caring. *Spike's mine. Not theirs. He...choose me over Buffy. I think. He...ASKED me, he... I won't betray his secrets and I won't tell mine...*
That made him feel...totally alone. After awhile he went into Spike's room and curled up in the chair in the corner - let his eyes run over the books Spike had acquired while they were there. Volumes and volumes bound in dull, old leather - faded greens and blues and reds, dirty browns. One lay on the shelf out of place, with a piece of newspaper marking the page and Xander reached and picked it up - opened the book.
"...the General seized Martine's hand and held it for a long time without a word. At last he said:
"I have been with you every day of my life. You know, do you not, that it has been so?"
"Yes," said Martine, "I know that it has been so."
"And," he continued, "I shall be with you every day that is left to me. Every evening I shall sit down, if not in the flesh, which means nothing, in spirit, which is all, to dine with you, just like tonight..."
The words made his throat hurt for some reason, and he held the book and lay and his head on the chair - stared out the window at the lights of the city, waiting for Spike.
"Xander? Wake up, pet..." Soft voice - soft fingers easing the book out of his grasp - brushing his hair back. "You need to wake up now," Spike said, and Xander sighed and burrowed a little closer into the heavy, silky fabric of the chair.
"Don't want to," he whispered, and he heard Spike doing something - heard the heavy sound of his coat being tossed on the bed, and then Spike was worming into the chair, dislodging Xander and pulling him half onto his lap - wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in Xander's hair.
"Did you tell them, then?"
Xander sighed again, opening his eyes. The room was lit with a dim, greyish rose light and Spike smelled like whiskey and like blood, and like oranges. "Yeah. I did."
"So you been up half the night, havin' some sorta - argument?" Spike's mouth, close enough to his neck that he could feel the brush of cool lips, and breath stirring his hair.
"No. They didn't - argue at all. Buffy was too concerned about getting back home and... Giles..." Xander let his eyes close again and fought the surge of anger and pain that came with the older man's name.
"What about Rupert, pet?" Spike murmured, and his arms hugged a little tighter.
"He - I think he kinda...knows. And he gave me - an out. Gave me a chance to tell him - everything - and tell him... Tell him I'd made a mistake." Xander opened his eyes again because Spike's arms had squeezed just a little too tight for a moment. He looked at them, crossing over his belly, almost glowing in the filtered light, ugly bruises like dapples up his forearms.
"What -" Spike started to say, and Xander squirmed in his grip - twisted and slid down until he was on his knees, his hands on the arms of the chair, Spike's thighs on either side of him. He leaned there for a moment, looking up the several inches into Spike's face. Watching the vampire turn his head away a little, watching the wide-open eyes shutter and darken.
"I told him I didn't have any regrets. And he - walked away." Spike stared past him - stared at the window or the bookshelf for a long, long moment, and then he shifted and turned his head - looked at Xander with no expression on his face whatsoever.
"So, you still gonna - come back with me?" Spike asked, and Xander let his hands slide down off the chair-arms and up Spike's forearms and biceps - let his fingers thread into Spike's mussed, ragged hair. Tugged him gently forward, until their foreheads were just touching.
"Yeah. I am," he said quietly. "Wouldn't miss it for the world." He could feel Spike smiling, and he lifted his head just a little and pressed his lips to Spike's - delicately kissed until Spike made a hrummph sort of noise and pulled him in tight, kissing him hard. Kissing him like he just couldn't get enough. Xander knew exactly how that felt.
The quoted lines are from 'Babette's Feast' a short story in 'Anecdotes of Destiny' by Isak Dinesen
I know it's been a while since i updated this - so sorry!
But, here's a little bit, and i'll be posting a little more soon. I just wanted to get this out.
And i voted, and there were lots of young, college-types there, and a line but not TOO big a line, and now i'm avoiding the tv.
:)
Enjoy!
All previous parts are in my memories.
"So I've decided that - that what I'm going to do is go back with Sspike. Ride back with him. Instead of you guys." Xander could feel his fingernails digging so hard into his knees he wondered if they'd actually gone through the denim. He braced himself and waited, watching his news percolate through their brains. Giles - got it. Buffy was - almost there - ding!
"Xander - are you seriously saying that you want to stay down here and ride in that deathtrap for days with Spike?"
"Yeah, that's what I'm seriously saying, Buff. I just -"
"And Spike is letting you," Giles interrupted, and Xander blinked and wet his lips.
"Well, yeah, he - he's fine with it. I can drive during the day like I did coming down here and -"
"Xander. You do know Willow's waiting for you? I don't get it. Spike can get home just fine - or stay here - Glory's gone, it's not like we need him anymore -"
"Buffy!" Dawn looked furious and Buffy looked over at her impatiently.
"What? We don't actually need him. It's not like I was all - helpless and stuff before he got himself fixed!" Xander wanted to slap Buffy for that - was glad that Spike was already gone for the night and couldn't hear her. And his stomach hurt. Literally hurt, because this...was worse than the yelling he'd expected.
"Besides, Xander hates Spike. Why would he want to spend any more time with him?" Buffy turned a sudden gimlet-eyed look on him, frowning. "Is he blackmailing you? Did you - do something or - or is he holding something over your head -?"
"Buffy! Jesus!" Xander shot to his feet, pacing away from them, pushing his hands back through his hair in frustration. God What Buffy was saying was suddenly making him feel like he was a kid - like he was too stupid to realize just what he was doing. "What in hell could he be blackmailing me over? Do you think I've done something - something bad or something? I mean -"
"No, Xander, calm down." Giles sat forward on the couch, absently rubbing his forehead. "We know you didn't do anything...uh...illegal or - or bad, but - you've been alone for some months and probably - very lonely and -"
"I haven't been alone, Dawn's been here and Spike's been here -"
"And we're friends -" Dawn added, but Buffy shushed her.
"Fine, fine, you're all buddy-buddy. Which is really kinda weird." Buffy sighed and shook her head - looked at her watch. "It's late, and the plane leaves early. I dunno why you want to hang out with Spike but - fine - do it." She made a sort of throwing-away gesture with her hands. "Dawn's got school again in a couple of weeks, and I'm going back to school too, so..."
"So what you're doing is more important, yeah," Xander said, shrugging, and Buffy looked pissed off for a moment.
"Well if you were coming back with us, you could do something - important too! But you wanna stay down here, so - fine. I'm going to go get cleaned up and go to bed. C'mon Dawn, let's go pack those shirts we bought." Buffy stood up, impatient, and Dawn rose more slowly, biting her lip. Oh, so much worse than yelling, 'cause Buffy...just didn't care.
"Are you - sure you... I mean, I'm gonna miss you, Xander. Why can't we get Spike a ticket?" Dawn turned to Giles, a pleading look on her face, but Xander interrupted the older man before he could answer.
"Spike doesn't want to leave his car down here, Dawn. You know that. We won't be long behind - I'll bring you a souvenir from every state we drive through, okay?"
Dawn sighed, but then she smiled a little at Xander, looking tired. "Yeah, okay. I just... Okay." She started to follow Buffy out of the room and then darted back to hug Xander hard. "I'll miss you, is all," she whispered, and Xander hugged her back.
"Miss you too, Dawnie. G'night."
"'Night, Xander. 'Night, Giles."
"Yes, yes, goodnight, Dawn." Giles rose as well and went into the kitchen - retrieved Spike's bottle from the cupboard and poured himself a drink. He leaned there against the counter and Xander leaned opposite, watching him. "You know, Xander... When I was younger, I did - a lot of foolish things. Ethan Rayne comes to mind and Eyghon..." Giles took another sip, his eyes on some middle distance. "These things - made for trouble, in the end. They made me wish quite desperately that I'd done otherwise." Giles looked straight at Xander, his eyes mild and calm but something there - some spark of something that Xander felt might burn him to a cinder if he wasn't careful.
"Giles..." Xander stopped, and considered everything. Considered the feeling of Spike curling up behind him in the bed, just wanting skin-on-skin, just wanting him there. Considered what Spike had been doing, these past three months. What he had been doing. Considered how he'd felt only a week ago - and how he felt now. "I'm not doing anything I'll regret, Giles. I promise." He looked back at the older man with, he hoped, the same mild gaze and Giles finished his drink - set his glass in the sink and slid his glasses off, tucking them into his shirt. He stood there for a moment, and then he shook his head ever so slightly.
"Well. Goodnight then, Xander," he said, and turned and walked out of the kitchen. And his tone - his look - was so disappointed, so dismissive - Xander felt a rush of panic. Felt that he'd just lost - whatever he might have had with Giles. Whatever friendship they might have been growing between them.
"Giles -" Xander said, but too soft. Giles was gone. For a moment Xander wanted him back. Wanted to tell him everything that had happened - wanted to confess how he felt and what he'd done - wanted to tell him everything about Spike. About him and Spike. *If there even is such a thing...* But - he didn't. He listened to Giles going into the bedroom - listened to Buffy and Dawn in the bathroom and then to Giles in the bathroom - listened to them settling and the house becoming silent. He could never tell Giles about what Spike had done - was doing. About the blood-house, or the chip - any of it. And he didn't want to tell Giles about Spike...about kissing him, or holding him, or just...talking with him. That was his, his own secret, his own little bit of warmth against the coldly dismissive Watcher and against Buffy's total lack of caring. *Spike's mine. Not theirs. He...choose me over Buffy. I think. He...ASKED me, he... I won't betray his secrets and I won't tell mine...*
That made him feel...totally alone. After awhile he went into Spike's room and curled up in the chair in the corner - let his eyes run over the books Spike had acquired while they were there. Volumes and volumes bound in dull, old leather - faded greens and blues and reds, dirty browns. One lay on the shelf out of place, with a piece of newspaper marking the page and Xander reached and picked it up - opened the book.
"...the General seized Martine's hand and held it for a long time without a word. At last he said:
"I have been with you every day of my life. You know, do you not, that it has been so?"
"Yes," said Martine, "I know that it has been so."
"And," he continued, "I shall be with you every day that is left to me. Every evening I shall sit down, if not in the flesh, which means nothing, in spirit, which is all, to dine with you, just like tonight..."
The words made his throat hurt for some reason, and he held the book and lay and his head on the chair - stared out the window at the lights of the city, waiting for Spike.
"Xander? Wake up, pet..." Soft voice - soft fingers easing the book out of his grasp - brushing his hair back. "You need to wake up now," Spike said, and Xander sighed and burrowed a little closer into the heavy, silky fabric of the chair.
"Don't want to," he whispered, and he heard Spike doing something - heard the heavy sound of his coat being tossed on the bed, and then Spike was worming into the chair, dislodging Xander and pulling him half onto his lap - wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in Xander's hair.
"Did you tell them, then?"
Xander sighed again, opening his eyes. The room was lit with a dim, greyish rose light and Spike smelled like whiskey and like blood, and like oranges. "Yeah. I did."
"So you been up half the night, havin' some sorta - argument?" Spike's mouth, close enough to his neck that he could feel the brush of cool lips, and breath stirring his hair.
"No. They didn't - argue at all. Buffy was too concerned about getting back home and... Giles..." Xander let his eyes close again and fought the surge of anger and pain that came with the older man's name.
"What about Rupert, pet?" Spike murmured, and his arms hugged a little tighter.
"He - I think he kinda...knows. And he gave me - an out. Gave me a chance to tell him - everything - and tell him... Tell him I'd made a mistake." Xander opened his eyes again because Spike's arms had squeezed just a little too tight for a moment. He looked at them, crossing over his belly, almost glowing in the filtered light, ugly bruises like dapples up his forearms.
"What -" Spike started to say, and Xander squirmed in his grip - twisted and slid down until he was on his knees, his hands on the arms of the chair, Spike's thighs on either side of him. He leaned there for a moment, looking up the several inches into Spike's face. Watching the vampire turn his head away a little, watching the wide-open eyes shutter and darken.
"I told him I didn't have any regrets. And he - walked away." Spike stared past him - stared at the window or the bookshelf for a long, long moment, and then he shifted and turned his head - looked at Xander with no expression on his face whatsoever.
"So, you still gonna - come back with me?" Spike asked, and Xander let his hands slide down off the chair-arms and up Spike's forearms and biceps - let his fingers thread into Spike's mussed, ragged hair. Tugged him gently forward, until their foreheads were just touching.
"Yeah. I am," he said quietly. "Wouldn't miss it for the world." He could feel Spike smiling, and he lifted his head just a little and pressed his lips to Spike's - delicately kissed until Spike made a hrummph sort of noise and pulled him in tight, kissing him hard. Kissing him like he just couldn't get enough. Xander knew exactly how that felt.
The quoted lines are from 'Babette's Feast' a short story in 'Anecdotes of Destiny' by Isak Dinesen
Re: Hero
Oh, I read Normal Again *forever* ago and loved it:)
Re: Hero
:)